Tuesday, February 17, 2009

just like a pill

I wrote this last night with the intention of posting it as soon as I got home. Apparently, my body had a completely different plan. With the fan broken, I don't know how I managed to fall asleep. All I know is, I haven't felt this rested in months.

I’ve got the worst headache ever. Let me try to explain it. Have you ever liked a song so much, you start playing it on loop? You listen to it so much, you sorta break it and all of a sudden it’s not good anymore. You’re about to change the song but then you realize your iPod’s broken. You want to stop listening but you can’t. Imagine the song’s been playing nonstop for over a year. That’s exactly how I feel.

It’s stupid because I know what’s wrong. I always get this way when I don’t get enough sleep. I should learn to get enough sleep but it seems I never learn my lesson. Yesterday, I got home at 6 in the morning. The day before, I got home at 5. I'm not even on the night shift! I’m overworking my body, I know. I just feel like I never see enough of my friends so when I’m not working, I try to squeeze them into my overloaded schedule.

Segue to Monday at the office. In a pathetic effort to stay awake, I had a big tumbler of coffee. When I finished it, I had another (and another). Lack of sleep + too much coffee = major headache.

And in murky caffeine-induced visions, I started seeing ghosts. Three months ago, I saw the exact same one. Let go, it said and I think I have. I’ve given up parts of me to live the life that I have now. I didn’t know why it was still there. Let me go. I can’t leave until you let me go, it said.

I have! I retorted. I don’t think about you anymore. I’ve let go so leave me alone! Why was this ghost bothering me?

My headache’s killing me. I just took a large pill the color of Ariel’s hair. Maybe the ghost will leave me alone once the meds kick in. In my medicated state, an epiphany crept up and demanded attention. I should learn that quick fixes never work. Coffee will wake you up (to the point of palpitation) but it will never match a good eight hours of sleep. Sometimes, we ignore certain issues to the point where you’ve convinced everyone (including yourself) that it’s been resolved but then all it takes is a vulnerable moment to realize it isn’t so.

And so tonight, I’m going to sleep really early. Despite the fact that I want to surf and bloghop, I don’t want tomorrow to be anything like today. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I want to sleep so much, my eyes will hurt when I wake up. I want to sleep until I can’t even think of sleeping anymore. Yes. I think I’m going to sleep now.