Thursday, January 1, 2009

auld lang syne

It seems I’ve been getting epiphanies and realizations from introspecting on a weekly basis. It’s strange that at a time when people left and right seem to be introspecting, I could not do the same. I was thinking of what to put on this week’s post when I found myself drawing a blank. I couldn’t figure out what to write. I was bored and online and in the feeble hope of summarizing this year, I decided to read some of ’08 posts.

This year, I experienced miscellaneous highs and lows. It feels nice, typing that sentence knowing that I somehow made it through most, if not all the challenges this year. That being said, I couldn’t help but wonder: am I still the same person I was last year?

I found a picture in my old phone’s memory card. I was testing my (then new) camera and it was dated New Year’s Day ’08. I remember that day with such vivid clarity, despite the fact that the metropolis was enveloped in thick smoke. It was five days after I resigned from JPMorgan Chase. I was unemployed, uncertain of my future, and completely dependent on my family. I didn’t really say much then to anybody but deep inside I felt like I was missing some phantom limb or something.

My gambles paid off though. I jumped into ePerformax, not knowing what the future held for me. I was in a repetitive but relatively stress free account and I had plenty of new friends who made me feel like I was me again. I learned to smile again and actually mean it. Four months later, I was taken to the next level. I had the opportunity to mix my two worlds: my call center world and my education world. Although it hasn’t been easy, being a trainer has certainly changed my life. I felt like I had a purpose again, like I was needed again and it felt really good. That’s something I’m really grateful for this year: a great career.

There were times I missed my old friends but I started making new ones. These people have seen me at my best and at my worst but still continue to show nothing but love for me. I still see my old friends every now and then. It’s wonderful how we make time for each other when we can. My friends have pulled me out of the dark several times this year and so that’s another thing that I am grateful for: friendship.

This year, I also reacquainted myself with the blogging world. For the longest time, I was just an occasional poster. Now I post entries on a weekly basis. It feels nice to have an outlet again. My blog is home to all the thoughts in my head that no one really wants to hear. That’s another thing that I am grateful for: expression.

All in all, there are many things to be grateful for and it’s safe to say that I am incredibly blessed. Despite that, I know that there are some things I want to do in 2009. They’re not called New Year’s Resolutions for nothing.

I weighed myself today (after avoiding scales for months) and realized that I’m at my heaviest. It will be hard, especially knowing that North Park’s Lechon Macau is just a phone call away but I know I can do it. I won’t diet like I did in the past. It’s unhealthy and takes too much effort. This year, I’ll probably consider professional help.

During my year-end appraisal at work, I had to talk about all the stuff that I considered my weaknesses. My boss couldn’t think of anything (he hasn’t observed me and I didn’t want to say it) but I know that there are still many, many things that I do not know. I want to learn all that I can and I want to be the best that I can be.

On a spiritual level, I want to know God more. I have been a Christian ever since I can remember and I don’t want to be just a seat-filler in church. I want to feel Him and understand Him and have a personal relationship with Him. If it kills me, I will know Him more.

On a romantic level, I humbly accept that I’m not getting any younger and that I should probably open myself to more opportunities. Yes, there are things that stand in the way and issues that I need to work out but once all the proverbial wrinkles have been ironed out, I hope to find The One.

As a writer, I want to take this blog to the next level. I want to write about things that interest me, things that make me happy, things that make me cry. I want to be as honest as possible when I write and hopefully, I’ll get over that stupid block in my head that keeps me from writing. I see big things for my blog in 2009 so keep posted!

Over-all, I’m really excited for this year. There are so many things that I want to do and I’m still full of that all too familiar hope that life is what you make of it. Only time will tell if my resolutions will come true. In the meantime, all I can do is sit and wait and take tiny steps into the future.

I hope you all had wonderful celebrations in your respective dwellings and from the bottom of my heart, I wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!