Friday, August 17, 2007

here we go again

it's so funny how i once said my profession has greatly affected my view of time. time time time. time is all i have. one error in time and i'm fucked.

last night, in the rush of logging out and leaving, i found out i forgot to do just that. close to 70 of my callers got dead air. i forgot to log out.

and my last error got me a final warning. i'm hanging by a very fine thread which is the mercy of my supervisor. part of me wants to beg for it. the other wants me to suffer in all catholic guilt if it's the only way to redemption. i'm not even catholic.

times like this, people need someone to believe in. a hero, in all essence of the word to remember someone stronger who can pull you up.

a friend of mine recently reconnected and it's funny how i'm suddenly reminded of how God can move through people. I realize that i've spent so much time following my own way, doing what i want to do that i've forgotten about God. and what's weird is as a Christian, isn't His way supposed to be mine? Aren't I built in His likeness? Shouldn't what i want be what He wanted for me when He made me?

i realize that i've been so caught up in my own thing that i've completely neglected everything else in my life. and it's not like i'm even enjoying whatever this life has turned into. nights are spent in dreams that are borderline nightmares, my subconscious warning me of the depths that i've leapt and the darkness up ahead.

someday, will i look back and find beauty in such sweet chaos?

if i were to be completely honest, perhaps I should remember that it was my stupidity, my weakness that lead me here. if i were to be completely honest, do i even have the strength to take the small frail steps back to God?

She said I will find joy in Him. what i'm afraid of is that I won't. I am honest enough to say that. A friend of mine said I will always be this way. I will always be headstrong and rebellious of any thing or any one that stands in my way. If i could only be honest to myself, maybe, just maybe i'll turn around and go home.

There's a song in church that I heard when I last went. It's called Heart of Worship and the lyrics are i'm going back to the heart of worship. it's all about You. the line that struck me was i'm sorry for the thing i made it when it's all about you. Am i ready to make it all about Him and not about me.

there are so many things that need to be fixed that i've forgotten all about which part broke first. i know that my journey back will hurt me more than anyone else and that's what i'm afraid of. it's like peeling off a band-aid that's stuck to your skin. will removing it be quick and painless or will it smart for a week or two?

nothing's clear anymore. perhaps it is time to go back.

the worst feeling, other than feeling alone, is feeling left behind. all around me, i see people fulfilling their bliss. classmates who complain about their salaries but smile when they remember their students. friends who have matured in the Spirit. People who have grown up and no longer have moments of helplessness and drama. when did people start knowing what to do? my feet are stuck. always have been. will it still be stuck in the future?

and the feeling only gets worse when you know you can't be with them and behave normally. you can't ever live a life with people who have followed the right path, stuck to the right people, and live the way they should. you know it's just not meant to be. you cannot be live where they live. you cannot eat what they eat. you are not a part of the plans they make with each other. access denied, contact your system administrator. if being with people who you know cannot be with you for reasons which you are fully aware of is stupidity then perhaps it's time i go back to school. perhaps it's time i take a step back and see what i forgot to do.

she said she doesn't approve of what i've become. my question is, did i become who i am or have i always been this broken, this much of a mess.

as the dad from puts it this is a "DISASTER!!!"