Thursday, April 13, 2006

keel over and die

i can't believe i'm even writing this. pardon me, i'm not usually this sentimental. it's just that i'm having another 'day'. i've tried so hard to explain this and there's only been one person who got it and he's not in my life anymore. we were talking about it, bonding over joni mitchell and home-brewed coffee. i told him how i have these 'days' that i can't explain. it's like i feel like the world is passing by me and i can't hold on to anything- everything's moving too fast and i just feel like my life has passed me by.

i told him there's this incubus song called 'warning' and how i kinda feel like that song sometimes, as if it were even remotely possible to feel like a piece of music and he nodded with that ever so gentle nod that made me feel like he got it. he sang me this joni song that was playing. it was called the circle game. i didn't really understand the lyrics at that time. i was so focused on my personal crisis but somehow, hearing his voice and listening to the explanation of the lyrics made me feel better.

it's a mundane day. the first i've had in a long time. this is the first day that i don't have anything to do. no deadlines, no final drafts, no layouts. just me. and now i'm scared shitless. scared that now that everything's through, i have to face everything that i've been putting off these past few days. petty quarrels with friends, pending financial crisis, lovelife (or noticeably lack thereof), and crap like that. it's like i've been putting off thinking about them for so long, now they've come back with a vengeance.

i tried to explain it to this friend of mine who asked me how i was. i said the mundane is my enemy and i'm feeling homicidal. not that i wanted to kill anyone in particular. i just felt like i've got all this bottled up rage in me and the fact that i've done nothing today to release said rage is kinda irking me. i slept for the most part of today and ate for the other. sadly, food did not give me the comfort i yearned for.

i will talk to her. soon enough. and when i do, i'll let her know exactly why i'm in so much pain right now. i feel like i've lost a really good friend.

and now as i sit in front of this computer, tapping away, hopefully reconciling my head and my heart, i wonder if there will be more mundane days ahead. god, i need to be busy. i feel like shit.

someday, i will find somebody who will tell me about her mundane days and i will smile because finally, i found someone who knows what that is.

postscript: i've been talking alot about a certain 'somebody' for quite a number of posts now. seeing as i don't know her yet, it has become really cheesy. hindsight is 20/20. ugh, why am i so fucking cheesy when i'm depressed?