Tuesday, December 5, 2006

quantity or quality

there are times when, to be able to understand completely, you have to distance yourself from the situation and ask yourself the most basic of questions. in a failed love, ask yourself "is it worth it?" in school, "what am I doing?".

the opportunity to test this came in the form of an organization. this year, I am in charge of layout and major editing in the school paper. it took a while for me to finish the editing since most of the articles needed major grammar reconstruction. I had to rewrite a lot. several trips to the coffee bean finally got the job done.

segue to a few months later and I find myself once again in a tricky situation. it's insane for some people to think that an entire layout can be completed in a week. I am just learning indesign, shifting from primitive pagemaker and once again the muses find me in a 'layout block'.

what's more is the idiotic editor in chief with grammar like a malnourished somalian boy went behind my back several times. There are about five articles in the paper that I have never even seen, let alone read despite the fact that the constitution clearly states that all EJ articles must come through me. his reason? I took too long.

so now, i am stepping away from the situtation. what is more important- quantity or quality? are we in the business of hurried journalism?

anyway, this malnourished somalian had the audacity to reverse the changes I made to his editorial. he said our faculty advisor approved the rollback. it wasn't enough that my red signpen on his editorial caused the feeble paper to hemorrhage. so I asked him if he was sure, grammatical errors and all? he said yeah. when I got the chance to talk to him, he asked me what his grammatical errors were. I had half the mind to show him my editing draft but the shear humiliation would just kill him. despite being a bitch, I still have a heart.

strike one, you cut around me. strike two, you do away with my editing. still waiting for strike three. I'm on a semi-layout strike. basically, I've skipped his articles in the entire layout process.

the trouble with holding multiple positions in an organization is that you cannot separate the emotional implications of either. this much is true: he has offended my editing skills.

fine, mess with the associate editor but do not mess with the layout supervisor. we have ways to inflict pain. layout is important. A skilled layout artist can make an article seem bad just by how it looks. *evil laughter* he will regret this. :D

Monday, December 4, 2006

illegal


here's the video for shakira's latest single. (it's school/work friendsly since it's not youtube.) i so love this song. santana is a guitar god. shakira is such an emotional singer. especially when she says "tell me why you're so far away when i'm still so close". you can realy feel the pain in the song. i remember this track really stood out when i first heard oral fixation. i even included it in my christmas mix disc last year. let me just say, i'm so glad we can finally move on from hips don't lie. i was afraid none of the good songs would ever be released. *sigh*

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

never

i said too many times before that i would never let myself be treated like a doormat. i freed myself from the bondage of emotional blackmail, hopefully chalking one up for maturity. after distancing myself from these things, i was able to find refuge in people that i trust. these people would never even think of hurting me, at least that's what i thought.

it's hard when you pick yourself up from something messy and finally land on some clean solid ground only to find yourself in the same situation. i don't think it's possible that all people are emotionally manipulative. i don't want to believe that people are willing to gamble on my love and friendship to get something across. but when you stop listening to reason, you won't listen to anything and that's where i found myself last night.

i know it's wrong to bite off the arm that feeds you and these people have indeed fed me when i was hungry (not just symbolically speaking, at times). but a tiny voice in my head which gains resonance every second tells me that i once swore i'd never be treated that way again. it's just so hard to find myself in the situation i once tried to run from. it's like running to a safe country because of a war in your homeland only to find that that country has its own wars.

maybe there's something wrong with me that i can't see. i once heard that in an aimee mann song. and i can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with me but it somehow slipped my vision. i know i can be a tad bitchy at times but i never imagined people would find me so dislikeful that they would threaten to lock me out of their classroom when i offered to sit in or another classmate who said he just couldn't teach with me around. i don't understand why people continually step on my feelings. i wanted to sit in because i wanted to show my love and support but for people to just step on all that that stands for is just so damn hard for me.

am i prepared to spend the remainder of my time in school alone? should i just swallow my pride and succumb to the emotional manipulations? am i just thinking about it too much. until somebody offers me an explanation, i'm afraid i'll have to slowly fade into the background once again.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

the decks

Subtitled: the femis and the boy-boys



Introduction
growing up with three sisters, one could never describe me as a boy-boy. There was always something wrong with me. I could never shoot a ball. I never learned to ride a bike. I tire so easily, it's ridiculous. Let's just say I was an easy target for the neigborhood boys who never really sat well with me. But all that drama is for a different post: one that i can't really do right now but i do want to tell you about the decks. this post is for other femis out there who must know what i'm talking about. It's about the rare times that femis and boy-boys become friends.

Definition of terms
what's a femi? i can almost hear people ask. well, femi is a made up word and it's short for effeminate. you're a femi if you
a. can't play basketball
b. never hung out with the neighborhood boy-boys
c. were ever called the g word more than once
which brings me to the next term. you are almost always a boy-boy if you
a. are dark from playing basketball
b. have a steady clique with other boy-boys

Of course these are all under Philippine contexts of male masculinity. I doubt if i'd still be a femi elsewhere.

The Deck
So, let's talk about the deck. As a femi, it's very difficult to maintain a friendship with a boy-boy. It's easy to be cliche and say that femis only want one thing from boy-boys but if you're a traditional femi like me, you won't really need nor want a relationship from a boy-boy. usually, you can hang out with other femis and compare notes on tori amos or jewel kilcher. but in my twenty years of existence, i've known four types of boy-boys who will offer friendship. some are nice, some will kill you, some types may even make you want to kill yourself. okay, let's start.

The King
The King, just like the medieval creature is difficult to approach. He's often got his own version of an entourage of other boy-boys and at least one femi. my experience with the king came in sophomore high school. we're still friends up to know so that's gotta count for something.
Spotting A King - he's the star of the deck. He knows it and he acts the part. He's always got an answer to everything and is often referred to when an argument arises. Usually the firstborne in his family (but my king was the youngest).
The Good - He's always there for you. He's bound to add some points to your social points. He'll be there to listen to you.
The Bad - He may listen to you but never expect to have his undivided attention as his kingly duties forbid him to have more than one best friend and that spot's usually taken by a boy-boy he met when he was yea high.
The Ugly - Like most people in power, the king almost always listens to rumors from his entourage. thus spelled the end of my friendship with the king. i wanted friendship and he misinterpreted it as something else. not that i didn't have fun with him. in fact, as i said, i'm still in touch with him.

The Queen
The Queen is the rarest of all the deck. He's often quiet, most defintely regal and has withstood rumors of his sexuality but occasionally, he lands a girl and thus quels all rumors.
Spotting A Queen - Regal. Quiet. So unapproachable at first. My Queen approached me first. That's why he's so rare. Most femis back off.
The Good - He's regal and he'll teach you stuff. Mine taught me how to be icey. He's lots of fun and he brings something the other cards can't bring to the table.
The Bad - Being icey, any intimacy conversation-wise that you'll get is either super quelled and pacified or ludicrously over-share.
The Ugly - Queens have a tendency of dropping you just like that as if you've outlived your purpose or something. Let's just say i'm still smarting from this one.

The Jack
The Jack is playful and coy and he's going to make you a boy-boy, or at least a convincing one.
Spotting A Jack - You've heard of the Jack of all Trades? Jacks are smart and know at least two instruments. My jack knew how to draw and sing.
The Good - He taught me how to live in the moment. He will change you into a boy-boy.
The Bad - Being so effing cool, you will have many competitions with the Jack. he most often has a brood of gay-gays, boy-boys, and femis who are all vying for his attention.
The Ugly - Not sure if it's all the same with all Jacks but mine tried to change me and when he couldn't turn me into a passable boy-boy, dropped me just like the Queen. The good news is being so coy, he'll apologize years later and you'll be awkward friends.

The Joker
This one's the best one yet. He'll make you laugh and offer tons of reassurance.
Spotting A Joker - Of the deck, he's always the one who's got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who lives far away so he can be cheeky but not that far away that he'll stray.
The Good - He'll always have your undivided attention, except that is until a good joke gets in the way. He'll laugh at anything and will make you feel better when you're down. The heart-to hearts are the best, as with all members of the deck. He'll call you smart and reassure you when needed. Just like the card, he knows when he's needed and leaves when he's not.
The Bad - He's cool with stuff but he's got his own stuff going on so he's not alwyats there for you. Not really a bad trait but considering i'm spoiled, it gets in the way.
The Ugly - nada. Jokers are the best.

So that was it. That was my little deck. I hope you enjoyed it. Pictures were taken somewhere from Google. Feel free to drop a comment and tell me about your versions of the deck.

Sunday, October 8, 2006

greatest hits and misses

i don't remember the feeling of jealousy. there were times when i was envious, that much i will admit but the last time i was really jealous, i doubt that was it. i was young and stupid (i'm not a wuss. i didn't want to say i was naive) and i probably had no right to be jealous anyway but last week, seeing something unravel before me- something that i tried to supress but came out anyway. i don't know. i stared blankly for the rest of the day and i didn't know who i could tell. what business do they have with each other? hearing a friend's confirmation spelled the end of a long-time relationship. maybe it was meant to happen. after all, when people walk away from you, we should let them go. our destiny is never tied to anybody who can just pick up and leave you. i guess it doesn't mean they are bad people. it just means that their part in your story is over. someone sent that message to me and i guess i believe in some power that controls my life. oh well, you win some, you lose some.

anyways, i watched the departed and it totally rocked. my sister's been pressuring me to watch infernal affairs for years now and i think i am going to now. hahaha... and i actually gained a new-found respect for leonardo dicaprio. scorsese is a genius. this movie totally rocked.

anything with jack nicholson turns into an event. i think leonard maltin said that and it's true. it's cool how they used the irish instead of the mafia. it would have been compared endlessly to the godfather. my sister says the departed's definitely better than infernal affairs. hollywood ending and all, it's really cool.

updates. aka affirmations for the lonely.
1. i hate matt damon.
2. leo's cool again.
3. love is for losers. bwahahaha
4. where are people when you need them.
5. anyone wanna watch pelicula pelikula (spanish filmfest) in greenbelt with me?
5. ambiguous people who don't tell you their intentions suck.
6. alchoholics know how to live.
7. being single totally sucks, despite what the single losers say.
8. bagyong milenyo- take me with you!
9. we filipinos are living in billboard hell. <-bwahahahaha i <3 miriam!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

semi-update

so much has happened. after my granny died, everything seemed to make perfect sense. i suddenly realized i wasn't cut out to be a teacher. i suddenly realized petty arguments consume too much time and energy and we should just forget about all the stupid things that we've ever said to each other. now, i just want to do what feels good and hopefully, i'll find hapiness.

in this newfound, hedonistic, "i-only-do-what-i-want" attitude, i realize that piracy makes me extremely happy. so here's my latest find:



i haven't listened to the whole thing yet but i'm extremely looking forward to it. hope to post a review after i finish my school requirements.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

so happy together

it's a rare day when i've nothing to bitch about. i was in the old gutsons in cubao lat night. they've undergone another name change. this time, they're called joey's sports bar. it was really fun. the food and beverage was the same but this time, they had a band. a real live band. you can request and stuff. we were cheering up carlo's friend although i'm not sure she had such a great time afterwards.

currently loving double vanilla tea lattes. discovered it by accident when they didnt have moroccan mint. yummy. reminds me of warm warm fuzzy blankets. also love kettle corn. yummy. yummy... mmm...

so my birthday kinda sucked. i got a pineapple plant as a gift and that's it. nothing more, nothing less. my sister did buy me the pussycat dolls ticket and i kinda remember her saying that would be my gift so if you think about it, i got tickets and a pineapple plant for my birthday.

jeez... i don't even like pineapples. now whenever i see one, i just get irritated. it's in this horrible pink hue and a basket so you know it's not even an edible pineapple.

i wasn't able to take my trigonometry test yesterday. i couldn't find the place. when i went to the room where the exam was supposed to take place, there were complete strangers inside. oh god... i'm really scared.

anyway, i'm stuck here listening to the turtle's so happy together which i stole off mikhael's blog. it's such an upbeat song. i wonder why it's associated with the third sex.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

goodbye tina fey

so i was watching jay a couple of nights ago and tina fey was on. i can't believe she's leaving SNL. she's like an institution there, next to lorne michaels. i mean think about it: nobody makes it out of SNL alive. chris kattan: poof. jimmy fallon: semi poof. she should just stick to what she does best.

the super delayed SNL featuring the ever lovely scarlett johansson aired, finally and tina fey was barely on it. maya rudolph was nowhere to be seen. (maybe it was around the time she was preggers.) i guess tina was slowly pulling out. i can't imagine weekend update without her. *sob*

okay. i take my word back. stars are blind is kinda growing on me. grrr... after a hilarious dance at our GA, im sorta rethinking my stance on this song. in one hand, it's irritating and soooo stupid but on the other, i can imagine myself on the beach with this song.

i'm watching the pussycat dolls this friday. i'm sorta not that excited. maybe it's about me being so busy these days.

have y'all seen pink's new video, u and ur hand? it's a fun song. typical pink rudeness. apparently, she shot it around the same time she shot stupid girls. in one shot, she looks like a naked cow. u might say all cows are naked but believe me, u'll get what i mean when you watch it, too. she's on the bed wearing lace. mooooo...

i am officially addicted to cold case. since classes were disrupted, i have finished the entire season. i'm kinda praning now that cold case has taught me that crime and murder is everywhere. gasp. there's a bad man in my room. let me jump out.

anyway, im sorta busy so i'll be updating in a few days. hopefully, i'll be more well versed. got a really funny story about a bar, too much drinks, an open mic, and "push the button".

peace. :D

ps. here are a few pictures my korean friends sent me.


this one is me walking to robinson's. feeling self-conscious because they were oh so blatantly taking my picture. look kinda weird. i don't know why the girl next to me looks like an exposé gone bad. maybe she didn't want to be in a picture with me.


this one is kinda funny. they really put some thought into it. i guess it's nice to be missed. :D

Friday, July 21, 2006

publique affair

i think mikhael had it right when he had this to say about a public affair: The world is turning upside down. A totally idiotic popstar actually made a brilliant record? This track is every kind of fabulous. Sounds like early Madge but totally well arranged and Jess' voice kinda sounds cool here.

I think this is what i was expecting when i heard madonna was bringing disco back. it sounds so retro but so fun. jessica is cool again. it's safe to admit i used to be a fan! hahaha i actually have a copy of irresistible lying around.

the song in itself is really fun. i can totally imagine myself going somewhere really far and having it on loop (actually, i did have it on loop about two days ago). who cares if the song is soooooo stupid? it sounds fun. hahaha

the video was fun. i heard brett ratner directed it. i guess its no xmen but it reminds me of janet's all for you (back when she wasn't all boob-exposing). a word of warning: the first part in the limo feels like a dumb blonde joke. i hope the people with IQ aren't offended by the very sight of that scene.

anyway, can i just say how glad i am that she's back (and without nick). she leaves much more to the imagination now. :D

i totally didnt notice andy dick. joel says he's the guy licking the shoes. i have to check.

where is ryan seacrest in this video? he could NOT be the guy jessica fancies. (UPDATE: I streamed the video via youtube <-linky! and found him. he's the limo driver. cheesy use of cameos.)

anyway, public affair is soooo much better than paris hilton' song which totally sucks. hahahahaha she sounds so fake. who is she kidding? thank modern technology for voice filters so airy heiresses can actually sing now. hahaha (sorry mike, i know u love her to death)

that's about it. i've been too bitchy already.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

diary wiary


check this out! (if you've got a baby picture lying around, post it in your blog, too!)

the folks at STAUST asked me for a picture of myself when i was a kid and i remembered there was one in my diary so i brought it to school. a piece of paper fell out and i immediately recognized it. it was a poem i made for her way way back. you know her. i've had a lot of angry posts about her. but now that we're okay (civilized people should always be okay), i guess it's cool to post it now.

it's written with a pencil and at the bottom, she scribbled March 12, 2006, 3:30 AM in red ink. we were at a friend's house writing her paper. i wrote it in like 15 minutes but i've been reeling from it for so long.

anyway, here it is. it's still untitled, maybe because i didn't want it to seem so final. i think i'll just leave it like that.

the ignorant human
stands barefoot at the
throne of the gods
feeling unworthy of
the blessed company he keeps

there are no words
to describe, even remotely
the confusion, the shame
the anguish his mortal heart holds

it is heavy, the cross that he
chooses to bear
to feel so out of place
in a world so unnatural
and so far from the
grasslands he roams in
desolate desperation

he sits there
breathing their air
and eating their food
not exactly sure
what the world still means to him
or why he's there,
clumsily stumbling out of his league,
feeling so much for gods who
would not care if he should perish

the unnatural sound of their resonant footsteps
are not alien to the echose of his heart

oh, what will the people think?
how dare he cohort with them!
does he not know his place?
but still, the gods sit there watching
the pristine goddess eating a warm grape
the virginal sweetness of purple still lingering
in her timid lips

the image of the gods in the hall
still haunt the mortal's memories
those final steps as he exits
the saline tears his weary eyes betray
living will never be the same
the people blur in his vision
he should've known his place
maybe i should've known my place

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

why the world needs superman


so after a year of waiting for this movie, i finally got to see it last thursday. it was a bit funny because when you've been waiting for so long to see something, the tendency is for the actual movie to seem pale in comparison. of course, they chose a different angle. superman returns was more focused on the human aspect and i guess it's all cool. i noticed that a lot of people who hated batman begins also tend to hate superman returns. maybe it's because marvel has this formula of putting big stars and matching it with super action scenes.

has anybody else noticed that DC has a formula too. take the case of batman and superman. Christian Bale, while successful pre-batman in his own right, was relatively unknown. Brandon Routh was also relatively unknown. Katie Holmes and Kate Bosworth are both ex-teen stars with less than popular careers. As for the choice of top villain, seasoned actors- Liam Neeson and Kevin Spacey. It is also quite noticeable that while the action scenes are tight, the bulk of the movie rests in the main character's inner conflicts.

after the movie, i got to thinking and i wondered what it was about superman that people enjoy so much. i remembered what quentin tarantino said in kill bill about how you can't unmask superman because he doesn't need a mask. Clark Kent is his mask. Spiderman and Batman need their costume to be able to turn into the hero. Superman just is. He wears glasses to become Clark Kent.

And i guess every man has an ideal of becoming the hero. even in the iconic superman scenes in the comic books and in the movies. how he sweeps lois off her feet and how he flies with her, stepping on his feet.

but inevitably, we men start to understand that we are not supermen and that we can only do so much. more often than not, the logic of saving the girl is lost, giving way to modern rules of feminism and masculinity. it's a sad day when you realize you can't save the day.

that's about it for superman. i'm a bit tired. here's a short recap of things:
1. daniel is leaving today for singapore. bon voyage!
2. taking 16 koreans around manila at 10 in the evening is more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
3. a cab going anywhere from my house costs roughly P100. i'm not kidding. i've been to quezon city, manila, and makati and they all cost the same.
4. staying in touch with old friends is fun. just have activities planned so you don't stare blankly at each other.
5. next reunion - bring TONS of booze. :D

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

stupid oaf

i'm so stupid. i can't believe i waited to see this person (i've been sorta seeing) for an entire week only to arrive an hour early. of course, she wasn't there. why would she person be? everything about our meetings were spontaneous, sharing a mere smile (which could mean so much more if you're lonely) and nothing more. anyway, i only get to see her on tuesdays and silly me had to leave an hour early (i thought my class was at 9). now i have to wait another week. i feel like an idiot. i guess that proves that spontaneous things should never be rehearsed or anticipated. oh well, another lesson for me.

gawd, that made me sound so desperate. i'm not really. i guess it just felt good to have someone, some random stranger smile at you and to have that happen every tuesday was kinda cool. i don't know what i'm thinking. maybe it's these past few days of hurried lesson plans and getting sick from the rain. everything's a blur and i'm just waiting for things to slow doooooooooooooooooooown...

Friday, June 16, 2006

first day high

i love the colors in that ad. anyway, today was my first official school day as a teacher. i started lessons today and what a start it was. we've missed two school days by the second week so i had to rap out the lesson. anyway, they seemed to understand it.

hoping i could make a proper post in the next few days. ive bee dying to tell you a lot of things. there i go talking to my blog again.

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

flexing, of course

These past few days, i've been thinking a lot about who i am and who i want to be in the future. Inside me, there is a writer, an artist, a teacher, a lawyer, and all these other people who i want to be and each one is fighting for dominance.

First day of being a teacher was fun. The uniforms are crappy but the responsibility of holding firty-eight people's academic lives is quite thrilling.

Of course I got wasted last night and was late this morning but no one seemed to mind.

Of course I was late but seeing the Superman billboard near our house made me squeal in anticipation. It hits theaters on June 28. I'm so effing excited! What's funny is i've been in eager anticipation since last year. Check this vintage post out. Hahaha Addictions, May 22, 2005

The new Keane album is available for download in that cool site where I get my music from. :D

Thursday, June 1, 2006

update

so yesterday, i finally got to see failure to launch. it was fun. kinda feels like a formula film though. even though you know it's a hollywood film and everything's going to end up peachy in the end, the trip there is a lot of fun.

sarah jessica parker looks better now. she's still awfully thin but something about her seems better. maybe it's the whole hair situation she had in sex and the city.
the movie feels like how to lose a guy in seven days in a sense that the characters are all conniving and stuff.

zooey deschanel is a goddess. i love her to death.

so far, i haven't seen da vinci yet. i've seen x-men, over the hedge, and failure to launch but still no interest in dan brown's body of work.

updates and other random thoughts
  1. i got a haircut yesterday. it kinda looks weird. i was trying to fix it this morning and ended up with a mia farrow-esque do. i hope it'll look better when it grows back.
  2. separation anxiety with my hair. ahhh... i know it's so vain to say that but i do miss my hair and i won't really be like this if i didn't have such an disposition towards barbers.
  3. xmen was cool. i still want to see gambit. i wonder why he wasn't there.
  4. nerisa guevara is a poet goddess. i love her to death. (see zooey deschanel) she reminds me of my aunt who used to be part of the NPA sans violence and stuff plus a vibe that jessica zafra only dreams she could have.
  5. my sisters were ex-nerisa guevara students. i didn't know that i shared this sentiment with people so close to me.
  6. kelsey grammar is freaky.
  7. re-reading coelho's veronika decides to die. gaining weird insights i didn't catch the first time i read it.
  8. got too many things to do.
  9. thursday is purple uniform day.
  10. i miss my hair!!!
  11. dark phoenix is way cooler than jean grey. hotter too.
  12. famke still freaks me out. blame the late night nip/tuck marathons.
  13. famke is freaky. wala lang. i said it once before but it bears repeating.
  14. mystique is hot. we should all strive to be so hot.
  15. rogue is b-o-boring.
  16. over the hedge is a less funny shrek.
  17. why is lindsay's character in just my luck called ashlee. was 'hilary' too common?
  18. got too many things to do! aaaaaaaaaaaargh!
  19. i want to go to quiapo. wahhh...
  20. blah blah blah (19 seemed like an odd number to end)
that's about it. redundancy and crap and all... world peace! hahaha

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

pugnosedpoetry

okay, as promised (not that anyone is keeping track), here are three poems from my diary collection. they're all unedited so i hope you can bear with me. toink, hahaha... comments are very much welcome.

this first one is about the feeling that you have when poems and stories die in your brain because you never get to write them (that just made me sound sick). i wrote it while i was in tarlac with the aetas.


birth
all these feelings
all these thoughts
my mind
is a womb
of septuplets
who wish not to depart
afraid to let it go
maybe they need to grow
afraid to let it stay
for they may slip and
be forgotten
tired of the weight
that alcohol, caffeine, and nicotine
cannot will away
i am tired
put these thoughts to rest
ambiguous
i am ridiculously unaware
that these thoughts have turned into
monsters

this next one is kinda creepy. it's kinda stalker-y.


disjoint
waking up
i find myself distraught
trying
hopelessly to piece together
parts that don't really fit
as if i were
trying to connect
images of a disjoint dream
trying to form a logical
picture

who knows if i may find myself to be
infatuated, at the very
least
with someone like you?
as though the lonely palms of the coconut
tree
may one day bend to touch the humble ground

is it fear that
kills the feeling?
this quickening notion your presence brings
as though
knowing that for the leaves to touch the ground
it must first expire and
fall

frustratingly amused by it all
this lonely poet sits gazing at
the stars
you who once held witness to my sorrow
watch as i weave a
fabric to easy my pain

the woolen quilt wrapped around me
no longer
will i suffer from the bitter cold

who knows if you may find yourself to
be
in love with me one day?
when dreams of better men slowly begin to
dissipate
and finally, the images of that disjoint dream
start to
materialize in my mind's eye

it forms an image that which my boyish
naïveté
failed to see and grasp
a limber coconut tree finding itself so
deperate
the tops of its anarchaic palms start to touch the ground

a
quiet tremor starts at the edge of my lips
'till you notice that finally
i am awake

this is the last one. i haven't gotten a chance to write them in my new notebook. i'm not too happy with this one. it's got a lot of loose ends and it feels like a cliche metaphor.


drip
a thirsty traveller
rugged by many miles
stands waiting for the rain

his dry lips and waiting throat
yearning for just a drop of water
to quench the heat that his journey
has brought him

finally, the miraculous raindrops
start to fall over
his head
he cups his hands
sadly hoping to catch the precious liquid

he takes a few sips
and wonders how he ever lived
without ever
knowing the sweet taste of deluge

the creases in his hands cause the
water to slip
each drip flows into another one
until he realizes that
there is just no way
to hold the raindrops in his cupped hands

and
so he drinks what he can
not really knowing how long the rain will last
each time he thinks his hands are full
the water slips away helplessly

the rain stops and the final waterdrops
make their way though the
lines
in his cupped hands

tired and still desperately thirsty
the lonely traveller sets out again


that's it. im kinda late for class. hehehe...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

keel over and die

i can't believe i'm even writing this. pardon me, i'm not usually this sentimental. it's just that i'm having another 'day'. i've tried so hard to explain this and there's only been one person who got it and he's not in my life anymore. we were talking about it, bonding over joni mitchell and home-brewed coffee. i told him how i have these 'days' that i can't explain. it's like i feel like the world is passing by me and i can't hold on to anything- everything's moving too fast and i just feel like my life has passed me by.

i told him there's this incubus song called 'warning' and how i kinda feel like that song sometimes, as if it were even remotely possible to feel like a piece of music and he nodded with that ever so gentle nod that made me feel like he got it. he sang me this joni song that was playing. it was called the circle game. i didn't really understand the lyrics at that time. i was so focused on my personal crisis but somehow, hearing his voice and listening to the explanation of the lyrics made me feel better.

it's a mundane day. the first i've had in a long time. this is the first day that i don't have anything to do. no deadlines, no final drafts, no layouts. just me. and now i'm scared shitless. scared that now that everything's through, i have to face everything that i've been putting off these past few days. petty quarrels with friends, pending financial crisis, lovelife (or noticeably lack thereof), and crap like that. it's like i've been putting off thinking about them for so long, now they've come back with a vengeance.

i tried to explain it to this friend of mine who asked me how i was. i said the mundane is my enemy and i'm feeling homicidal. not that i wanted to kill anyone in particular. i just felt like i've got all this bottled up rage in me and the fact that i've done nothing today to release said rage is kinda irking me. i slept for the most part of today and ate for the other. sadly, food did not give me the comfort i yearned for.

i will talk to her. soon enough. and when i do, i'll let her know exactly why i'm in so much pain right now. i feel like i've lost a really good friend.

and now as i sit in front of this computer, tapping away, hopefully reconciling my head and my heart, i wonder if there will be more mundane days ahead. god, i need to be busy. i feel like shit.

someday, i will find somebody who will tell me about her mundane days and i will smile because finally, i found someone who knows what that is.

postscript: i've been talking alot about a certain 'somebody' for quite a number of posts now. seeing as i don't know her yet, it has become really cheesy. hindsight is 20/20. ugh, why am i so fucking cheesy when i'm depressed?

Monday, April 10, 2006

we are all idiots - lahat tayo ay tanga

i feel like such an idiot. you know how they say "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." how many times will i submit myself to this embarassing feeling from people i used to hold in such high regard? time and time again, i say that i won't let myself be sucked into their presence. but the feelings of apathy start to peel away as i find myself sending yet another message to them. aaaargh... i hate me. i hate them. i hate me for hating them. why do i have so much hate in me?!

i'm glad that i feel this way. at least it shows that slowly, im starting to respect myself. the line between love and hate is very thin. if anything, this experience has shown me that.

on a lighter note, this experience has given me the power to produce several poems on my diary. when i'm not such a lazy fuckwit, i might actually post it here. it's english and ten million times better than 'tinta'.

i'm in some internet cafe near school. i don't know what the hell i'm doing here. i don't even play DOTA. hahaha. must be the company. :D

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

gender segregation

wow, i feel kinda clueless. haha, it's been a while since i've sat down to write a blog post with that objective in mind.

i was on my way to school this morning and i was thinking about this whole gender segregation on the mrt. for those who don't take the train, the folks at the mrt decided it's high time to separate the ladies from the sex-hungry men. it's kinda annoying. i like to ride in the first car of the train since it's usually the least loaded. i'm not sure what day it started but about last week, i found myself in the third car stuck with all these guys while the women get to ride the first car and they're all comfy and stuff. it was kinda annoying.

so i asked my sister about it and she said well, there are a lot of women who get manyak-ed in the mrt. and i was like, i have never heard of a single story. the people who take the mrt aren't as gross as those who take the bus. (ugh, gross bus story. the mrt closed for the night and so i had to take the bus. this guy sits next to me and invites me, casually, to go with him to valenzuela. ewww). anyways, back to my story, i guess i kinda saw her (my sister's) point and that it is a tough world out there when you're a woman.

but the whole gender segregation, although kinda sexist, works in favor for me now. whereas before, i would gladly offer my seat to any women who may be standing up, right now i could care less for them. if they should find their way to the male cars, they should stand up. hahahaha... i dunno. chivalry is dead. i just feel like you (girls) have your own car so don't expect any favors when you're in ours. hehe, i dunno. some women ive seen in the mrt are kinda... ugh... (they're either really slow or just plain dumb). they prefer the male cars. and it's not like they've got male friends with them. some of them are all alone, waiting for the train in the male part of the waiting area (yes, there is a male part), when they could easily prance on over to the other side where they will surely get to sit.

anyways, that's about all i've got to say. gosh, my english is kinda iffy today. i need more blog practice.

Monday, April 3, 2006

old dog, new tricks

i know ive been promising you a new layout since like forever and ive had so many attempts at a new layout all end in vain. it's just the whole process of choosing colors and hoping/praying they'll all go together, ah, it's too much. but anyways, i was sorta experimenting with photoshop and hopefully, you like what i came up with. i decided to keep the old code and just change the image so that there's coherence and other bs like that. anyways, i know the worn out look is so old (literally) and nobody does it anymore but i still think it's cool. :D

this is the picture that inspired the whole thing. i was just playing when i realized it would be a year (april 2005) since i last updated the template. kinda embarassing since i'm surrounded by computers all day. i should've updated sooner. i'm sorry.


that's my nephew gabe. we were praying for him (dedication) :D

postscript: as i was updating my kinky linkies, i got sad. some of my closest blogfriends have vanished. chris, tragic, oh where have u gone?! some ardent posters are not updating too, so so sad...

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

love spelled backwards is evol

Subtitled: can't think of a proper title so i'll just leave it like this

Okay, let me warn you: this isn't a post for everybody. Some people aren't exactly pleased when i talk about the four-letter word so if you hate all this cheesy self-depricating bullshit i'm about to write, i think it's best to turn around now.

I am a victim. Victim of evol. I know it sounds so cheesy and i'll probably barf the next time i read this, when i'm saner and more guarded but when you've been trying to contain all the emotions of having the life sucked out of your veins into a single moment of trying to act normal, it gets tiring and i think it's safe to say that i am very, very tired.

A victim of evol knows where evol is. That's what hurts even more. I knew where evol is. I could smell it from a mile away. And somewhere in this jaded heart of mine, i hoped that this evol could be mine. I've been trying my best to control my mouth, for it is what betrays me most but when i'm down and out and i've no one to talk to, i find that it becomes my best friend.

I revel in pity and sympathy for i am hungry, eternally, for attention. When i see them together and i know that he makes her happy, i yearn for someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything will be alright. but i know that as a victim of evol, things don't always end up that way. We get bruised and beaten even before we are born into this world. it is our destiny to forever be hurt by evol. Such is the fate of a victim of evol.

I stare at the face of a baby and i know that he is a victim of evol. Not like me, though but a victim still. evol that was lost and found in someone else. A victim of evol's dire selfishness and how people can kill to get evol. It sucks, knowing that the actions of his father shall forever hang over him like an ugly adulterous shadow but a victim of evol never chooses his path. it is simply laid out before him.

and my faith teaches me that God has someone planned for me and I want to believe it, so badly in fact that i yearn for the realization with every fibre of my being but when i am weak, i find that hope is slow in coming.

and if he makes her happy, who am i to stand in the way. who am i? i'm just another boy who fell in evol with the wide-eyed girl. She fell in evol with the man from the future. A time where there is no more complications and gender ambiguity. he swept her off her feet and away from me. what hurts the most is that i miss them both SO much but at the same time this stupid heart of mine quivers when i see them together. it's a lonely life, being a victim of evol but it has become mine. reveling in sympathy, getting attention where i can get it.

the man from the future. who can hate him? i stare at him, puffing his cigarette, talking to me about his hopes and fears and i know that we will always be friends. despite the fact that my whole life feels like crap, i know that the three of us will always be bound by an invisible rope. this rope is all i have now and as they go through a road that i am not fated to travel, i hold on to the rope like dear life.

i know that i can't will her to evol me for in the past, i've tried my best to evol people. evol is in the heart, not the mind like scientists would have you believe and willing is done in the brain. I tried so hard to evol people, holding their hand as they do in the movies. but that wouldn't be fair, to me, to them, to everyone involved and that is why i know she can't evol me. for i bring complication into the situation. people should avoid me at all costs. for once i fall in evol, it takes forever to get back on my feet and to see a victim of evol in that state is truly uncomfortable.

someday, when i meet her and i look back at this mess of a situation the wide-eyed girl, the man of the future, and i face, i know that it'll seem better. i know that i can be better.

It's almost like you had it planned / It's like you smiled and shook my hand / And said, "Hey, I'm about to screw you over big time." / And what was I suppose to do / I was stuck in between you and a hard place / We won't talk about the hard place // But I don't blame you anymore / That's too much pain to store / It left me half dead / Inside my head / And boy, lookin back I see / I'm not the girl I used to be / When I lost my mind / It saved my life // It's how you wanted it to be / It's like you played a joke on me / And I lost a friend / In the end / And I think that I cried for days / But now that seems light years away / And I'm never going back / To who I was // Cause I don't blame you anymore / That's too much pain to store / It left me half dead / Inside my head / And boy, lookin back I see / I'm not the girl I used to be / When I lost my mind / It saved my life // I think I cried for days / But now that seems light years away / And I'm never going back / To who I was /

Friday, March 24, 2006

bleeping life

finals has been hell for me but at least we made it past our thesis and defense with flying colors.

and even though i swore i would never let anyone make me feel bad about myself, i did and they don't even know it. it's a tough life, being a pugnosedfreakazoid. as kermit puts it, it's not easy being green.

so today, i finished my third tagalog poem to date. haha, it's not any good and i can just see my filipino writer friends frowning at the spelling and grammar of the whole thing, making imaginary red and green wavy lines, angry at the butchery of our mother language. anyways, it's called tinta.

Tinta
wala nang tinta ang bolpen ko
sa kasusulat ng mga
liham sayo
binuhos ko na lahat ng tinta ko
para masulat ang galit, sakit
at hirap ko

siguro ay wala naring tinta ang bolpen mo
o marahil ay
wala kang oras para magsulat
kasi ni isang salita ay wala ka paring
naibibigay
para malaman ko ang sagot mo

o di kaya'y naubos na ito
sa kasusulat ng mga liham para sa kaniya
pasasalamat sa lahat ng
kabutihang dala niya
pag-ibig para sa kaniya
liham para lamang sa kaniya
na sana'y sa akin mo nalang ibinigay

ubos na ang tinta ng bolpen ko
ngunit heto parin ako
nagsusulat dahil wala ka na
at kahit
magpasagasa pa ako sa kanto
wala nang mga liham na magpapabalik sayo

at sa huling liham ko
gamit ang bolpeng wala na ngang tinta
pasasalamatan kita

at sa sulat na di na mabasa
dahil wala na
ngang tinta
masasabi kong
tang ina bat minahal pa kita

ako
ngayon ay lalabas at bibili ng bagong bolpen

Monday, March 6, 2006

brokeback oscars


i knew it. the oscars aren't ready for a gay themed movie. and here i was thinking they were going to be open like that year when halle berry and all the black people won.

i'm trying to work on a kick ass post about the emotional roller coaster ive had these past few weeks but being too busy, i offer something to tide you over: the oscars list. join me in disappointment. i haven't seen crash but i heard it's nice. i remember they showed it here but no one saw it.

78th Annual Academy Awards®

Best Motion Picture of the Year
Winner:
Crash (2004) - Paul Haggis, Cathy Schulman
Other Nominees:
Brokeback
Mountain (2005) - Diana Ossana, James Schamus
Capote (2005) - Caroline
Baron, William Vince, Michael Ohoven
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) -
Grant Heslov
Munich (2005) - Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy, Barry
Mendel

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Winner: Philip
Seymour Hoffman for Capote (2005)
Other Nominees:
Terrence Howard for
Hustle & Flow (2005)
Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Joaquin Phoenix for Walk the Line (2005)
David Strathairn for Good
Night, and Good Luck. (2005)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading
Role
Winner: Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line (2005)
Other Nominees:
Judi Dench for Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005)
Felicity Huffman for
Transamerica (2005)
Keira Knightley for Pride & Prejudice (2005)
Charlize Theron for North Country (2005)

Best Performance by an
Actor in a Supporting Role
Winner: George Clooney for Syriana (2005)
Other Nominees:
Matt Dillon for Crash (2004)
Paul Giamatti for
Cinderella Man (2005)
Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
William Hurt for A History of Violence (2005)

Best Performance by an
Actress in a Supporting Role
Winner: Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener
(2005)
Other Nominees:
Amy Adams for Junebug (2005)
Catherine Keener
for Capote (2005)
Frances McDormand for North Country (2005)
Michelle
Williams for Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Best Achievement in Directing
Winner: Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Other Nominees:
George
Clooney for Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005)
Paul Haggis for Crash (2004)
Bennett Miller for Capote (2005)
Steven Spielberg for Munich (2005)

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Winner:
Crash (2004) - Paul Haggis, Robert Moresco
Other Nominees:
Good Night,
and Good Luck. (2005) - George Clooney, Grant Heslov
Match Point (2005) -
Woody Allen
The Squid and the Whale (2005) - Noah Baumbach
Syriana
(2005) - Stephen Gaghan

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material
Previously Produced or Published
Winner: Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Larry
McMurtry, Diana Ossana
Other Nominees:
Capote (2005) - Dan Futterman
The Constant Gardener (2005) - Jeffrey Caine
A History of Violence
(2005) - Josh Olson
Munich (2005) - Tony Kushner, Eric Roth

Best
Achievement in Cinematography
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Dion
Beebe
Other Nominees:
Batman Begins (2005) - Wally Pfister
Brokeback
Mountain (2005) - Rodrigo Prieto
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) - Robert
Elswit
The New World (2005) - Emmanuel Lubezki

Best Achievement in
Editing
Winner: Crash (2004) - Hughes Winborne
Other Nominees:
Cinderella Man (2005) - Daniel P. Hanley, Mike Hill
The Constant
Gardener (2005) - Claire Simpson
Munich (2005) - Michael Kahn
Walk the
Line (2005) - Michael McCusker

Best Achievement in Art Direction
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - John Myhre, Gretchen Rau
Other
Nominees:
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) - James D. Bissell, Jan Pascale
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) - Stuart Craig, Stephanie
McMillan
King Kong (2005) - Grant Major, Dan Hennah, Simon Bright
Pride
& Prejudice (2005) - Sarah Greenwood, Katie Spencer

Best Achievement
in Costume Design
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Colleen Atwood
Other Nominees:
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) - Gabriella
Pescucci
Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005) - Sandy Powell
Pride &
Prejudice (2005) - Jacqueline Durran
Walk the Line (2005) - Arianne Phillips

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Winner: Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Gustavo Santaolalla
Other Nominees:
The Constant Gardener (2005) - Alberto Iglesias
Memoirs of a Geisha
(2005) - John Williams
Munich (2005) - John Williams
Pride &
Prejudice (2005) - Dario Marianelli

Best Achievement in Music Written
for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Winner: Hustle & Flow (2005) - Jordan
Houston, Cedric Coleman, Paul Beauregard ("It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp")
Other Nominees:
Crash (2004) - Michael Becker, Kathleen York ("In the
Deep")
Transamerica (2005) - Dolly Parton ("Travelin' Thru")

Best
Achievement in Makeup
Winner: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch
and the Wardrobe (2005) - Howard Berger, Tami Lane
Other Nominees:
Cinderella Man (2005) - David LeRoy Anderson, Lance Anderson
Star Wars:
Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005) - Dave Elsey, Annette Miles

Best Achievement in Sound
Winner: King Kong (2005) - Christopher
Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek
Other Nominees:
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) -
Terry Porter, Dean A. Zupancic, Tony Johnson
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) -
Kevin O'Connell, Greg P. Russell, Rick Kline, John Pritchett
Walk the Line
(2005) - Paul Massey, Doug Hemphill, Peter F. Kurland
War of the Worlds
(2005) - Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer, Ron Judkins

Best Achievement in
Sound Editing
Winner: King Kong (2005) - Mike Hopkins, Ethan Van der Ryn
Other Nominees:
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Wylie Stateman
War of
the Worlds (2005) - Richard King

Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Winner: King Kong (2005) - Joe Letteri, Brian Van't Hul, Christian Rivers,
Richard Taylor
Other Nominees:
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the
Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) - Dean Wright, Bill Westenhofer, Jim Berney, Scott
Farrar
War of the Worlds (2005) - Pablo Helman, Dennis Muren, Randy Dutra,
Daniel Sudick

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Winner: Wallace
& Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) - Steve Box, Nick Park
Other Nominees:
Corpse Bride (2005) - Tim Burton, Mike Johnson
Hauru
no ugoku shiro (2004) - Hayao Miyazaki

Best Foreign Language Film of the
Year
Winner: Tsotsi (2005) - Gavin Hood (South Africa)
Other Nominees:
Bestia nel cuore, La (2005) - Cristina Comencini (Italy)
Joyeux Noël
(2005) - Christian Carion (France)
Paradise Now (2005) - Hany Abu-Assad
(Palestine)
Sophie Scholl - Die letzten Tage (2005) - Marc Rothemund
(Germany)

Best Documentary, Features
Winner: Marche de l'empereur,
La (2005) - Luc Jacquet, Yves Darondeau
Other Nominees:
Darwin's
Nightmare (2004) - Hubert Sauper
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (2005)
- Alex Gibney, Jason Kliot
Murderball (2005) - Henry Alex Rubin, Dana Adam
Shapiro
Street Fight (2005) - Marshall Curry

Best Documentary, Short
Subjects
Winner: A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin (2005) -
Corinne Marrinan, Eric Simonson
Other Nominees:
God Sleeps in Rwanda
(2005) - Kimberlee Acquaro, Stacy Sherman
The Life of Kevin Carter (2004) -
Dan Krauss
The Mushroom Club (2005) - Steven Okazaki

Best Short
Film, Animated
Winner: The Moon and the Son (2005) - John Canemaker, Peggy
Stern
Other Nominees:
Badgered (2005) - Sharon Colman
The Mysterious
Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello (2005) - Anthony Lucas
9 (2005) -
Shane Acker
One Man Band (2005) - Mark Andrews, Andrew Jimenez

Best
Short Film, Live Action
Winner: Six Shooter (2005) - Martin McDonagh
Other Nominees:
Ausreißer (2004) - Ulrike Grote
Cashback (2004) -
Sean Ellis, Lene Bausager
Síðasti bærinn í dalnum (2004) - Rúnar Rúnarsson,
Þórir Snær Sigurjónsson
Our Time Is Up (2004) - Rob Pearlstein, Pia Clemente


i got that off the imdb site. that's it. see ya next time!

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

one love... one hea-a-art!

I'm currently listening to a cover of Bob Marley's One Love from the Gap Favorites disc. It's super cool. Three guesses who did it. Hehehe...

This whole week has been quite a rollercoaster for me. I've learned to stand up against oppressors, not to trust any Tom, Dick, or Harry who claims to be my new best friend, and never to meddle in other people's affairs.

If he thinks he can get the sympathy of people and act like the victim, I'll show him how a victim should be. Lying piece of shit. Arrrrgh!

Forgiveness is earned, never asked. I hate that my faith tells me what I'm doing is wrong.

On lighter news, I'm wearing new pants! Hehehe... super shocking as to how I own about four pairs. My mom bought me this super kawaii pair of cargo pants from Hong Kong. I've never been a fan of Bossini but damn, these are comfortable.

Stressing Community Immersion in a few weeks. I even bought a bonnet so I won't get fleas or something.

The guy next to me in this cafe is slightly creeping me out. He's been browsing male profiles in friendster while constantly shaking his right leg. My health teacher once told me that's like touching yourself but subliminally.

Maybe the next post won't be as worthless.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

super kawaii!!!

Forget what I said in the previous posts. I'm super happy. Super glowing happy.

Coolness. Absolute coolness. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. As of the moment, I'm still reeling from the mere adrenaline of it all. Like most stories, this has a beginning and I'll try to tell it without so many oohs and ahhs and ohmygods.

The date: January 21. The time: around 2:30. My sister and I were on our way to NBC tent to see Jason Mraz in concert. We decided to come early for the parking. We made a quick stop first in Park Square for my sister's dermatologist appointment. She said she wasn't even supposed to go, she just had this feeling that she needed to go to the derma. She asked me if I wanted a facial and being totally unconcerned for my skin, I declined. Armed with my wallet and my phone, I decided to kill time in one of Makati's busiest places.

From Park Square, I somehow made my way to Glorietta, Landmark, and then finally Greenbelt 3. The stones beside the marblish tiles rustled as I walked on them, haplessly avoiding a speeding elderly couple. I took a quick glance at my phone, wiping the oily display. It was two o'clock. My sister said she'd be done by 3:30 so I bought a can of soda and wondered what would make the time pass more quickly.

Sitting on the park's green bench, I took small sips from the can of soda. The lukewarm liquid touching my lips did nothing to speed the passing hours but I did what I could. I imagined what that night would be like: the lights, the stage. I wondered if he would sing Absolutely Zero or Mr. Curiosity (no, yes).

I sat up from the bench, stirred up by my own conjured thoughts. I walked to the Greenbelt's escalator and I noticed a woman with a gigantic Louis Vuitton shopping bag. I've often wondered if people would even bother to enter that store and I guess she proved me wrong.

Seeing Music One, I realized it was a great way to kill time. I wanted to look for the old Missy Higgins album when I saw a small print-out poster on the store's glass display. Jason Mraz was to have an autograph signing. I remember thinking why do I never get to see these things in time until I realized that the date was for that day and the time (2-3) was just right. It was 2:20 and I walked in, intending to see Jason Mraz up close.

Glancing at this man who made me relive all these memories, I wondered what kind of heartache he had to go through to be able to pull such somber and depressing songs. I made my way through the crowd to go outside, content of seeing him at such a close distance.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that this opportunity would never come again. Like a cheesy teen flick, I reached into my pocket and realized I still had money from Christmas. The hardest decision to make should've been the easiest. I picked up the first Mraz record I could find and spent what should've been the last of the Ninoys.

Before you think I'm crazy, here are two clarifications: I only have feelings of singer-fan admiration towards Jason and I am not the autograph-signing kind of fan. I've often said that an autograph means absolutely nothing. I enjoy the music for the lyrical genius and the melodic ease of it all. I used to say a singer's handwriting mean nothing. That all changed yesterday. A signature proves that I've met Jason and that alone gave me a chance to tell him something in person.

What should I say? You're a genius. You look small and pale in person. The last album was better than the one you're promoting. I think Lindsay Lohan's hot, too. Everything sounded so stupid. My hands were icy and shaking as I opened the CD to bring out the booklet.

First roadblock: It was about a half an hour to three. Would he finish in time? I don't wanna buy a record that I already have if he's not going to sign it. This guy comes up the counter with a CD in one hand and asks if he'll finish signing everyone's record. The woman in the counter nods her head in agreement. It had become even clearer. This would be my lucky day.

Second roadblock: my fears come to life. Arriving on the scene of the crime, the woman in front of me informs me that the person in front of her was to be the last person Jason would get to meet (and sign!). The two of us stood there, in dire hopes that the managers would have some streak of humanity left. I looked at the line in front of me, trying my best not to regret buying a second Mr. A-Z (which in my opinion at that time wasn't even that good). The guy in the counter comes to my rescue yet again.

He looks at the Caucasian looking woman with the Jason Mraz ID and pleads our case. I even contributed a little saying that it's just four more people she has to let in and it's probably not even going to take five minutes. She stands there, looking crushed, perhaps from the sorrowful delivery of our plight and agrees to allow us, if he's done before three. The five of us stood there, wondering if the line was about to zoom by as quickly as it should.






Divine Intervention: All non-CD holders must leave the line. Yipee!!! Suddenly, it was obvious we were about to meet him. I was back to thinking of a good line. I read all your blog posts. I think you're interesting. I shuddered in my cargo pants, not wanting to sound stupid in front of him.

The guy behind me was suddenly in front of me but I didn't mind. He was after all integral to eliminating the roadblocks. As he chatted with the girl who was in front of me, I looked at the people around me and was amazed at how his mere presence seemed to make the room different. We were in the midst of a star. I couldn't believe how close he was. So much so that I didn't even realize it was my turn.

A dark tall man in dreadlocks shook my hand and nervousness crept up my ear. I couldn't hear him for the life of me. He introduced himself. He was Toca. Toca! TOCA!!! If you've ever read Jason's blogs, you'd know that Toca is a much cherished member of the band. I've always imagine him as a small man with tons of facial hair but he looked like someone from The Matrix (the white twins). He signed my poster and my CD, something not many people let him do.

Jason was up and he shook my hand. He was wearing a pink shirt and didn't look an ounce queer in it. (He wore it in the concert, too) He said "Hi, I'm Jason" and in my mind, I fought the urge to say "Uh huh, I know". Instead I said "I'm Nyl" and he said "As in N-E-I-L?". I said "Nope. As in N-Y-L". Jason Mraz was signing my CD and he was writing my name down in the right spelling! Starbucks couldn't even do that and yet here he was. Toca said "He's Kneel as opposed to Stand" and I finally understood what I was too nervous to hear the first time. I told Jason I'm a fan of his blogs and he said it's been a while since he's updated them but rest assured he's working on a groovy post now and it'll be at the site in a while.

I know what you're thinking. What a queer googley-eyed fan. So what? Jason Mraz signed my CD and I got to have a very short conversation. It's a shame my phone doesn't have a camera since he's been posing left and right with everyone else. I pity the fool with the non-camera phone! I PITY THE FOOL!

The rest of the day seemed so much better. Even Mr. A-Z sounded better. The songs I used to skip now seem smart and quirky. Everything was so much better. I absolutely love Mr. Curiosity. I hope you all listen to it.

The concert was a blast. He sang so many cool songs (acoustic) and I screamed like an appendage was suddenly blown to pieces. Everything was so cool. He sang Clockwatching acoustically for the first time here so that's something to be proud of. I left that concert feeling so content and I remember thinking it's been a while since I've been this happy. Even the rehearsed jokes were funny Even Paolo Santos seemed cool. He even did a few songs on stage with Jason Mraz and Toca. Everything was perfect. Super thanks to Kris from a befuddled wenk for this cool concert picture. Click it to see her account of the concert.

I think what made it even more fun was that everything was so spontaneous. I didn't plan on seeing him at Music One. I didn't plan on even going to the concert, let alone get such cool seats. I've forgotten how fun things are when unplanned.

In a few months, I probably won't be as big a fan as I am now. But right now, I'm still looking at the poster he signed, reading the CD booklet he signed and thinking how cool it is that I met and shook hands with Jason Mraz.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

i wanna die alone with my sympathy

I'm walking down in the basement / I'm leaning on the washing machine / I'm reaching back through a hole in the wall's insulation / I'm pulling out a bottle of vodka / Replacing that with a pint of Jim Beam / I'm lying down on the floor until I feel better / It's morning and I pour myself coffee / I drink it 'til the kitchen stops shaking / I'm backing out of the driveway and into creation / And the loving spirit that follows me, watching helplessly / Will always forgive me / Oh I want to die alone with my sympathy beside me / I want to bring down all those demons who drank with me / Feasting gleefully on my desperation / I hide all the bottles in places / They find and confront me with pain in their eyes / And I promise that I'll make some changes / But reaching back it occurs to me / There will always be some kind of crisis for me / Oh I want to die alone with my sympathy beside me / I want to bring back all those moments they stole from me / In my reverie / Darkening day's end / Oh I want to die alone with my memories inside me / I want to live that life when I could say people had faith in me / I still see that guy in my memory / Oh I want to die alone with my sympathy beside me / I want to bring down all those people who drank with me / Watching happily / My humiliation

I've forgotten how good a peanut butter sandwich is or how warm it feels to stay in bed and snuggle. In the pursuit of success or whatever it is i've been pursuing, i've forgotten the things that used to make me smile like sunny mornings and people who speak bad english. Today, i had three preliminary exams, two more tomorrow, about four hours of sleep, and a slowly burning wick of patience. But if you think about it, what have I really done? I've tried so hard to prove to people that I'm worth being with that I've forgotten who I am. The glass is neither half empty or half full. The glass is broken.

On a lighter note, I'm pretty optimistic about seeing that Jason Mraz concert on Saturday. Ironically, i bought two original CDs yesterday and they were both on sale. Still, despite all of this, there's been this dark cloud surrounding me.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll feel better.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Speak My Mind

I need your help. I bought this album and I don't understand how it fits in the logical timeline. It's called Speak My Mind and it's not in Amazon or anywhere except a few Japanese MP3 download sites. It's from Beyonce. It's got some remixes from Dangerously In Love and Wishing On A Star which appeared in an ad. It's got a lot of singles in it that aren't anywhere else, even Check On It which is her latest single from #1's. Can somebody explain it to me?

In one site, it says the release date was last December 21. Maybe Mikhael would know.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

busy busy busy

Here's what I've been busy doing all christmas break. I've been taking pictures and stuff! I've also been quite busy with taking care of my nephew who's just bundles of joy. Browse down and enjoy the pictures!



My window is one of my favorite subjects!


He almost looks scared in this one.


And a few for my friendster account: This is a play on the super late reruns of ANTM in Channel V.


Ever been surprised to find someone sleeping on your bed?


My second venture. A little more surreal.


So that's it. I actually feel like such a loser when i found out Mutya had left the Sugababes and I didn't even know about it. Gawsh, to think I own every record. *sigh*

I'll be updating again when I feel like it. Hehehe... :D

PS. My sim card and i had a 'little' accident and to make an excrutiatingly long story short, i snapped it in two. So now my phone book's basically populated with emergency numbers and hotlines. If you own a mobile, please send me your number so I won't have to ask for an introduction. That's sooo embarassing. :D