Saturday, May 21, 2005

on growing out of and into

There's this thing that I saw in Smallville once. Chloe wrote Clark a letter and it really hit the spot, my spot that is. I guess being the boy that girls grow out of, I could really relate.
I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin, I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me. I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend. Sometimes I want to rip off this facade like I did at the Spring Formal, but I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away again. So I decided that it's better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings.

My dad told me there are two types of girls. The ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day youll fly back to me because I think you're worth the wait.
This has been ever present in my writing recently. In Hunters, I tried to put to words the feeling of being left behind after getting so used to all the attention. People grow out of you and there isn't much to do about it.

In my latest vignette 'Bathroom', I tried to right down the feeling of being willing to do anything to the extent of self-deprication just to be loved again. Bulemia is just a metaphor of everything that one can do to win that person back.

In that cheesy song I wrote 'Was You' (found in Trouble In Harajuku Paradise), I tried to write down the feeling of being left behind and not being able to do anything about it. It's like you don't want them to go but knowing that staying with you makes them unhappy, you'd let them go. I'm not sure if I was successful with those objectives. Maybe that post was too happy to include my sullen verse.

I'm so tired of being the boy that girls grow out of. I'm tired of not having anyone to love and not having anyone to love me in return. I'm tired of people who are blissfully in love without even finding it. I'm tired of waiting for one phone call to redeem my status with her.

Somebody pass the *****. I'm sorta down right now.