Monday, December 13, 2004

was that you passing me by?

there's a depressed pugnosedfreakazoid in these lands. it's something that i've tried to name or somehow put a proverbial finger on but it slips everytime. i don't get satisfaction from work or from school anymore. all i get is this hollow pit somewhere between my heart and my gut. i can't fill it with work or school or friends -- not that i still have them.

maybe that's it. maybe i've lost my friends. all along, i thought i could always go back to my friends in school. EJ was just a temporary thing, i assured myself. but then, shit happened and i dived headfirst into my work. now, it doesn't fill me anymore. now, it doesn't satisfy me. i spent last weekend layouting. but no, it wasn't enough. i just wanted to shove a rifle down my throat. hope that'll cure this... this... whatever it is. i've lost my friends and here's why.

i thought my new friends in EJ were cool but after a while, i realized i couldn't be with them because i wasn't like them. they don't know the things that i know. they find beauty in my garbage and in my beauty, they find garbage. it's like everything's inverted. what's good for the students is good for the paper. at least that's what they make you believe. but no, that's not necessarily true. there's what's good for your editors, whats good for people who aren't your editors but feel like they're a notch above you so they edit you anyway, whats good for the press, good for the administration, it's all bullshit. i just... it's more than that. it's not worth all my efforts when mediocrity passes for quality.

fine, call me bitter but i really didn't appreciate the nasty comments i got from a certain priest who happens to be a rector in my college. no one deserves to get those nasty comments. from a priest no less! it was then i lost interest in everything. no way... no more... i'm tired and unappreciated and it's time i stand up for me. when u was an editor, i always felt like i should stand up for the people below me. now, i'm under a whole lot of oppression and all they can give me is a pat in the back. it's like, duh! i can pat my own back. go... do something!

of course the irony of it all is that now that i realize i dont belong in the education journal, it's too late. i can't relate to my friends back in class. everything's fucked up now. they hang out with olet. lupac's gone nuts. charmaine's got her own world. it's like, nothing's what it seems. i didn't feel like i was part of anything. like... a... lone wolf? no, too cheesy. but at the same time, i miss them. i miss joel boel and beans and gege. they don't care anymore, of course but at least i still have the past times with them. no one, no new friends or changes of mind can ever take that away.

so there, i felt like i'm caught in the middle and now, i've burned all my bridges. i can't go back and i can't go forward. everything's changed. i feel animosity towards the staff here. they don't get me. they just think i'm bitching. maybe i should just leave. screw them for rejecting my cute valentine's cover. screw them all. i can live alone. this is exactly what i was looking for, right? a journey of self-discovery free from any social relations. be silent to drown out the noise. be silent to truly find yourself.

God speed.